No matter how long you prepare, no matter how much you attempt to convince yourself you will be able to keep it together when the moment comes, all good intentions dissipate in a pathway towards hell when your cherished pet takes their last breath. The energy in the room, with one less spirit in its midst, shifts. That is when I start sobbing.
We said goodbye to our furry girl today. For over a month now, she’d slowly been deteriorating. She was having difficulty standing and began experiencing bouts of diarrhea and vomiting. When she couldn’t keep even water down this morning, we knew it was time to escort her to the Rainbow Bridge. And it would have been difficult no matter what. She was my constant companion for 15.5 years. But it’s even more difficult because her death marks the end of a chapter in our lives. Ruby was the boys’ dog. She was a kindred spirit to me, but she belonged to the boys from day one. They were her charges, and she kept them safe and well.
We won her in a school auction when Joe was 8 and Luke was 6. We’d been fostering her before the event, and when the time came to auction her off to the highest bidder, we became the highest bidders. She was quirky, spunky, anxious, independent-minded, and a little wild. She loved chasing bubbles and lunging at bees, which she would snap at, swallow, and then shake her head vigorously for the pain of the sting and then do it again. She was excellent off leash and loved hiking and exploring, never wandering too far away because how do you herd what is out of sight? When we tired of kicking a large ball to her, she would hike it to herself between her legs. She was fearful of other dogs, but a lover of most people. In our FJ Cruiser, she would travel in between Joe and Luke in a tight little curl. She spent most of our drives covered in whatever the boys no longer felt like holding, books, Nintendo consoles, or boxes of goldfish crackers and travel cups. She was not a fan of water or baths, but she loved the snow. She could catch a frisbee midair and would spin an airborne 360 before catching a snowball Joe tossed to her. Although usually quiet and unassuming, she was kind of a showoff that way. She was a good girl, an easy, if somewhat neurotic, companion who followed each wall shadow carefully because she took ownership of all she surveyed and carried the responsibility with the relentless ferocity only a border collie can muster.
As the injection was administered, we said goodbye to her and we closed the chapter on the boys’ youth. Their childhood pet, a remnant of what once was our everyday experience, was gone forever. I kissed her on the head one last time, told her I loved her, thanked her for her tireless love and service, and left the room. It wasn’t easy but it was necessary and cathartic. I will never forget her.
Moving on happens in stages. Our sons won’t be coming home from college this summer, and that has hit like a ton of bricks. But Ruby’s passing is an opportunity to take another step forward in this new life beyond daily parenthood. It’s uncharted territory, but it’s time. I’m ready for a change in my life, looking forward to carving out a new daily normal. Fortunately, this new phase also includes dogs, the two corgi boys we purchased to fill our house with more boy energy when Joe and Luke left. No matter what may change in our lives going forward, dogs will be part of it. Saying goodbye to them is heart wrenching, but I’ll gladly suffer the pain comes with loss for the joy and love that comes with the companionship and adventure.
I am a bartender’s granddaughter. My maternal grandparents, now deceased, owned and operated a tavern called the Hop Inn in Buffalo, New York. When my grandfather died in 1990, the establishment closed and the Hop Inn ceased to exist outside the memories of those who had once stepped inside. I don’t often think about these beer-scented roots of mine, but when I do it is with the utmost fondness. It wasn’t much, but it was magic for me back when I hadn’t a clue that having a baby (or 7 year old) in a bar might be frowned upon.
My grandparents, Henry and Charlotte Rzeszutek, operated the Hop Inn for forty years. The tavern sat on an unassuming corner at the intersection of Koons and Empire, a mile east of Buffalo’s Broadway Market, in a then predominantly Polish neighborhood. The tavern was fully wood-paneled and had a long bar with deep red, vinyl-covered, spinning barstools that my sisters and I would twirl on with glee. Beyond the main tavern room was another larger room that contained a coin-operated pool table and additional seating that was never filled and beyond that room was a narrow commercial kitchen that also was rarely used but still smelled of french-fry grease. Behind the bar where my grandparents worked there was a large white refrigerator, myriad bottles of whiskey and other spirits, an ancient cash register, several beer taps, and an assortment of snacks. There were a half-dozen tables in the main bar area as well, and my grandparents kept us amused wiping tables, emptying ashtrays, and washing the barware while soap operas or the evening news played on the high-mounted television in the corner. We were well rewarded for our service with bottles of orange and cherry soda, which we would combine in highball glasses to create orange-cherry sludges, bags of Troyer Farms puffcorn, and red pistachios that would leave our fingers dyed for days. The tavern’s regulars, treated us like queens of the castle while we played at working. When the familiar sound of the ice-cream truck began to grow louder as it cruised down the street from Broadway, they would hand my sisters and I a couple dollars so we could buy swirl cones. As an adult, I suppose I might have judged these men for frequenting a bar in the middle of an ordinary Wednesday and perhaps I might have questioned their relative level of sobriety, but as a 7 year old I saw them only as kind, thirsty men who found us beguiling.
My grandparents lived and raised two daughters in a small apartment above the tavern. During the day, they took turns working the bar. My grandmother opened it at 10 a.m. and my grandfather closed it at 2 a.m. They were always together and yet not. Their flat consisted of a small, eat-in kitchen, two minuscule bedrooms, one bathroom, and a living area with a sofa and my grandfather’s coveted recliner where he would sit and do word search puzzles. Their laundry was done in an attic accessed via the bathroom. The attic smelled of laundry soap, clothes drying on lines, and old wooden beams. It was laden with all manner of past family treasures waiting to be discovered. My mother and her sister shared a bedroom barely big enough for the full size bed they slept in. Their room was off the living area and was made private only via a flimsy, accordian-style vinyl curtain that closed with the distinct click of magnets. Although there was a side entrance to their upstairs apartment, there was also a “secret” entrance, which my grandparents used. This was the most enchanted thing of all. In the room with the pool table, there was one wall that hid the same stairwell you could reach from the outside entrance. To gain access, you pushed hard on one side of an unmarked wall panel. It would swing in to reveal the metal-edged stairs leading up and the door leading out to the side yard. When the door swung shut again, you would be concealed from the outside world and heading into my grandparent’s secret lair. Tell me what child would not be bewitched by that spy-novel-level sorcery.
Henry and Charlotte pre Me
Although the Hop Inn was torn down decades ago and now only a grassy plot of land remains where it once stood, I am grateful for my time spent there when visiting with my parents or spending an overnight with my sisters in the tiny room where my mother used to sleep. My grandparents worked hard and weren’t wealthy but, oh, how they spoiled us in any and every way they could. If orange chocolate and Slim Jims were currency, I’d have quite the investment portfolio now. I may not have gone away to summer camps or family cabins or taken any holiday trips to Disney or the ocean, but most of my happiest early memories originated among the lingering cigarette smoke and spinning barstools at the Hop Inn, where I was both an indispensable, part-time, pretend employee and an adorable and cherished granddaughter.
**As an aside, perhaps it isn’t surprising my favorite television show of all time was Cheers.
Woody: “How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?” Norm: “Pretty nervous if I was in the room.”
Almost two years ago, I wrote here about a pair of Betsey Johnson, ruby-red heels I tried on in a DSW store. I thought they were amazing and was publicly debating the practicality of purchasing shoes I might only wear a couple times, if that. The proposition seemed, at best, frivolous and, at worst, appalling given the number of people in this world who have no place warm to sleep tonight. In the end, my logical brain (with its finely honed “who do you think you are/get over yourself, old woman” mantra) decided against those lovely red shoes. I’ve kicked myself a little over that decision every day since then. Not because I’ve had a plethora of occasions when what I needed to complete my grocery-store-trek ensemble was a pair of bedazzled, high-heeled ruby shoes, but because in not buying them I reinforced the message to myself that I don’t deserve to follow my heart or whims or treat myself like I merit being shiny and extra sometimes.
The other day, I did this thing though, which I think provides proof of growth. I hit the purchase-now button and had these rhinestone-encrusted cowboy booties, another Betsey Johnson creation, sent to me. My entire life, I’ve been a fairly conservative dresser. I’ve been big on neutrals and classic, preppy silhouettes in clothing. Mainly because I’m practical and lazy and I know neutrals interchange beautifully, but also because those items allowed me to go unnoticed in most situations. So, you have to know I bought these booties with a specific occasion in mind.
As soon as they arrived at my house, though, the doubts began to creep in. Did I really need these? Was I seriously going to wear them in public? Had I lost my freaking mind? I admired them, tried them on, and told myself quietly, “I’ve just wasted our money.” I took them off, returned the paper wad to the toe and the foam form to the boot shaft, placed them back in their protective sleeves, and positioned them neatly in the box with a firm plan to send them back. Then a curious thing happened. I told myself to think about it and sit with them for a while. So, I left them on my son’s bed in my temporary office, for days. I would walk by them, take one of out of the box, smile at it, then put it right back where I found it. Yesterday morning, though, I did something different. Instead of putting them back, I put them on right over my Smartwool socks. I decided I was going to walk around in them for a bit and see how I felt wearing them around the house. Well, I felt pretty damn good. Never mind that I was wearing fleece-lined leggings and my Buffalo Bills sweatshirt with them. Even with that, I felt rather sassy. So I wore them for a few hours like that and became one with them. And in one last act of utter defiance against my practical mind, I put on Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” and danced in them. Yes. I. Did.
The boots are mine now. I gave them an honored space inside the closet. I’m not sure when I will be wearing them, but I will be wearing them, even if it’s just to dance around in my house. You gotta start somewhere. And, lest you think this subtle act of wardrobe rebellion is a one-off, I should probably let you know I also purchased a sequined jacket yesterday. That’s right. I think I’m entering my Extra Shiny Era. It appears I am finished being a wallflower. You’d best get out of my way. Next time this Colorado gal needs to kick someone who is throwing shade her shiny-ass way, she’s gonna be doing it with bejeweled, pointy-toed hardware, and that’ll leave a mark.
“You’ve always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself.” ~Glinda, the Good Witch, The Wizard of Oz
I haven’t been writing much lately. When asked, I’ve struggled to understand or explain why. Writing has always been my go-to, the place I land when I need to work through feelings. Last year I went under, and many times I thought I might turn to writing to get me through it. I didn’t though because I was weary from hearing myself lament about my myriad demons and why they were there and why I didn’t think I could let them go. In the end, extricating myself from long-term relationships, relationships that had swept me up and held me like remnants of roofing swirling in a tornado, brought me to the peace I had sought for years. Sometimes you have to walk away from people to find yourself. I knew what I needed to do. I wasn’t sure I could do it until I did. Every day since those disentanglements, my world has grown clearer, my heart happier.
I find I am not the person I thought I was. Never thought it was possible, but now I openly cry when I listen to a song that reaches my heart. I dance around and act silly, even when people are watching. I say no when I feel I should. I attempt new things despite knowing I might fail. I’m no longer paralyzed by fear of ridicule or disdain. I’m honest, all the time. I don’t take myself seriously because I’m not worried about being palatable to people. It took me far too long to appreciate that anyone I care about who wants me to be different, smaller, or less isn’t worth keeping, no matter what our relationship is or how long we’ve been in each other’s lives. I have no regrets about cutting those ties, and I don’t care who judges me for walking away to save myself. I see and appreciate my value now. There is nothing that could make me go back.
Last weekend I went with some friends to the symphony for a performance of the soundtrack to Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. The movie played on a screen above the orchestra. During the speaking parts, the orchestra was silent. Then they played John Williams’ moving soundtrack in perfect time to make the movie experience seamless.
One scene has stuck with me since that viewing last weekend, a scene I had long forgotten about. Harry is in Professor Dumbledore’s office and is the only one in the room when a rather scraggly-looking Fawkes, Dumbledore’s phoenix, bursts into flames. Harry is beside himself, wondering what he did to cause the bird’s demise. Dumbledore tells Harry:
“Phoenixes burst into flames when it’s time for them to die and are reborn from the ashes. Fascinating creatures, phoenixes. They can carry immensely heavy burdens. Their tears have healing powers.”
And that is when I realized where I am now and why I haven’t been writing. I’m in my Phoenix Era. I carried immensely heavy burdens in my heart since my childhood. Eventually, I got to the place where I couldn’t shoulder them anymore. Like Fawkes, I was withered and scraggly and needed to die to be reborn again. So I set my life on fire and ended in a pile of ashes full of possibility. My tears fall readily now as I heal myself. I haven’t been writing because I’ve been experiencing my regrowth. I’m rising from the ashes. There will be plenty to write about when I’m whole again and take flight.
“And just as the Phoenix rose from the ashes, she too will rise. Returning from the flames, clothed in nothing but her strength, more beautiful than ever before.” — Shannen Heartzs
She was never right. About anything. She was the wrong size. She was too loud. She was too needy. She was too talkative. She was too naive. She was too silly. She was too weak. She was too smart. She wasn’t smart enough. She was selfish. She was careless. She was obnoxious. She took up too much space. She was all the things she wasn’t supposed to be and, no matter how hard she tried, she remained none of the things she was told she should be. And so she carried around the bottle labeled “Drink Me” and drank she did until she shrank and to the right dimension to squeeze through doors that led to someone else’s ideas and expectations of her. She never questioned if she should be trying to fit through those doors. She never thought about herself, what she wanted, what she deserved. She simply grew smaller and smaller until there was hardly anything left of her at all.
Then, after years of shriveling and sacrificing the best of herself to those who would never believe she was perfect as is, she had a revolutionary thought. There was more than one way to grow smaller. She could stop trying to be everything to everyone except herself. She could put down the “Drink Me” bottle and leave. And as she peeled out, she did become smaller to those who had wanted just that of her. She gazed into the sideview and read, “Objects in the mirror are larger than they appear.” She regarded her reflection there and recognized that with each mile she put between herself and those who didn’t appreciate her for who she was, she was growing larger.
For a split second as their figures grew smaller in the rearview, she thought she felt a pang of regret about leaving those people behind. Then she thought, “Nah,” and kept driving.
“I think I’ve been too good of a girl Did all the extra credit, then got graded on a curve I think it’s time to teach some lessons I made you my world, have you heard? I can reclaim the land”
When I was preparing to feed the dogs this morning, I walked past our Google hub and read the US had bombed Iranian-based targets in Syria in retaliation for drone attacks on US military bases. It was 6 am, far too early to consider more bad news from the Middle East. It was too early for my brain to engage, period. I shook my head hoping, like an Etch A Sketch screen, my brain would wipe that image clean and I could begin my day again with a blank slate
Disease, wars, random acts of violence, floods, famines, fires, mental and physical abuse, rape, racism, hatred, and all manner of horrific events that challenge our mental fortitude have been around as long as we have. Back in the day, however, we weren’t troubled instantly and incessantly with negative information. Bad news used to take a while to reach us, by foot, by boat, by train, by Pony Express, by hand-delivered telegraph. While bad news is not new news, bad news presented to us 24/7, 365 days per year is. This new paradigm of instantaneous news is untenable. Our brains haven’t been afforded enough time to adapt to our fast-moving present. Consider the soaring rates of anxious and depressed children and the number of people on anti-anxiety and antidepressant medication (myself included). Omnipresent negativity is unhealthy. Full stop. And, yes, you can rid yourself of your iPad, your phone, your smart watch, and your Alexa, but the bad news will find ways to reach you through word of mouth. It’s inescapable.
After shaking myself free of all the truly shitty news I’ve processed this week (really, this month, this year, these past few years), my brain dredged up a few comforting lines from Desiderata by Max Ehrmann. So I went back to read it in its entirety. It brought me a measure of peace. Perhaps you too might find the words provide a positive, if ephemeral, reset. Go ahead. Shake that Etch A Sketch clean for a moment. The next bad news will always be there. Choose to take it in teaspoonsful and go placidly amid the noise and haste.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
I have a confession. I saw the Taylor Swift Eras Tour film Friday night. And then I went back yesterday to see it again on a bigger screen. Ten years ago, if you had asked me to see or listen to anything having to do with Taylor Swift, I probably would have asked how much you were willing to pay me for it. But, if you’re doing life right, you need to be open to reassessing your previous beliefs and opinions. Or at least that is what I have been telling myself regarding my recent about face on Ms. Swift and her music.
My antipathy towards Taylor Swift began early in her career, around 2009, when she was a 20 year old pop country upstart and I was a 41 year old stay-at-home mom. I heard her hit “You Belong with Me” and realized I was well beyond the point in my life when I had the time or energy to relate to songs about teenage-relationship drama. My sons didn’t help change my mind about her, as they referred to her mockingly as Tay Tay Swifters. All the tabloid drama surrounding her dating life got old quickly, and I summarily dismissed her as not worth my time and went back to listening to my indie bands. Fast forward 10 years of emotional growth for both of us, in the summer of 2019 I stumbled upon her music video for “You Need to Calm Down” and had to admit I genuinely loved it. My respect for her, however, made a seismic shift with her pandemic albums, Folklore and Evermore, which were littered with influence by the indie music world I loved. Finally. We were running in the same circles, and her popularity began to make sense to me. Her penchant for storytelling in her music, her heartfelt, almost confessional-like lyrics, and the often dramatic melancholia in her songs reminded me of some of my favorite bands, The Smiths and The National, in particular. When I hit the depression I wasn’t aware I was in, her songs became regulars in my playlist rotation. Just when I had reached my lowest point and was existing in a constant state of numbness, her music made me feel again. I was able to wallow in and process my sadness and then find a way to climb out of it. It was catharsis.
“Hung my head as I lost the war and the sky turned black like a perfect storm. Rain came pouring down when I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe. And, by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean.”
“‘Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned, everything you lose is a step you take. So make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it, you’ve got no reason to be afraid. You’re on your own kid. Yeah, you can face this.”
“It’s like I got this music in my mind, saying it’s gonna be all right.”
Maybe it’s the fourteen years of life and growth I’ve experienced since I first heard “You Belong with Me” or maybe it’s that sitting in the theater watching her on the screen, owning the stage in sold out SoFi Stadium like a boss, but I get it now. Taylor Swift is extraordinary because she has navigated a successful career in the music industry while growing up under a global magnifying glass. She’s lived half her life under constant judgment, speculation, and ridicule, but she took everything the world threw at her and somehow turned it to her advantage. Despite her fame and wealth, she still manages to seem human and relatable, referring to herself on stage as a 30 year old who sits at home covered in cat hair watching 700 hours of television. She’s a marketing genius with a creative mind and relentless devotion to her fan base and, as a result, everything about the Eras Tour has been monumental. The run on tickets, the sold out stadium shows, the extravagant stage production, the ubiquitous friendship bracelets, the three and half hours she played each night on tour, the donations to food banks in every city to which she traveled, and now the Eras Tour film (a gift to the fans who weren’t able to see her show live), these all highlight the magnificence and power of a woman seizing upon her childhood dream. As I sat in the theater yesterday, watching young girls alternately dance and stand together beneath the screen while Taylor looked as if she was singing directly to them, I saw a future filled with young women who understand they too are a limitless forces with the agency to never settle for less than what they believe they are capable of. That is priceless.
Say what you want about her as I did. Dislike her music if it doesn’t suit you. Joke about her dating life or the way her appearance in a box at Arrowhead Stadium drove up NFL viewership, but don’t do what I did. Don’t ever dismiss Taylor Swift as another pop princess. The Eras Tour film grossed over 95M this weekend. Taylor Swift may be a lot of things, including a cup of tea you would purposely knock over, but seventeen years, 12 grammys, and a reported 740M later, she is consequential. By all appearances, she has no intention of going anywhere, except up. And I’m definitely here for it, head first and fearless.
“Ask me what I learned from all those years Ask me what I earned from all those tears Ask me why so many fade, but I’m still here“
“Life doesn’t have. a remote. You’re going to have to get off your butt and change it yourself.” ~Scott Tatum
Personal growth is an uphill endeavor
I came here today to say I am so damn proud of myself.
While I wholeheartedly accept there is still a fair distance I need to travel on my mental health journey to become the best me I can be, I am not thinking about that today. Today I am having one of those rare days when I feel truly comfortable in my skin. So, today I am going to do something I rarely, if ever, did before. Today I am not being self-effacing. Today I am calling it as it is. I’ve worked damn hard to move the needle as far as I have. It catches me off guard some days how my thoughts about myself and my actions based on those thoughts have shifted. So, where am I now?
I set boundaries. I no longer make excuses when I don’t want to do something. I believe I have the right to choose how I want to spend my time. I know if someone else is disappointed about my “no” answer, they will have to deal with their own emotions about it.
I am not afraid to ask for help. I know doing so does not equal weakness. I understand we all have a lot to learn.
I feel genuine remorse when I wrong someone rather than deflecting to protect my ego. I strive to offer honest, appropriate apologies when I fall short.
I understand my negative behaviors do not define who I am on the inside. I accept that humans screw up and I am human so, by the transitive property of equality, I screw up sometimes. I don’t allow my mistakes to mean more than my efforts to ameliorate them.
I say “yes” more often and embrace new, and occasionally scary or uncomfortable, situations. I’m not hiding from things or opportunities that require me to be a novice or an outsider at first. I recognize this is where growth happens, in the risk taking and discomfort.
I am not “shoulding” on myself as often. I am changing “should have” to “could have” and understanding the difference between the two.
I am no longer owning more than my fair share of the blame in a situation or relationship. I acknowledge that relationships are a two-way street, and I am not entirely responsible for carrying their weight alone or keeping them afloat. If someone isn’t attempting to meet me halfway, like ever, I let them go. You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.*
I no longer view myself as broken. I am a work in progress. I forgive myself for the amount of time it took me to reach this stage in my growth. It doesn’t matter how long it took me to get here, just that I got here.
I notice when I overreact to something and try to understand where that overreaction came from, and I don’t beat myself up about it. We all have our Achille’s heels. I am working to hit pause when I feel a trauma response building. I know these patterns arose out of a need to protect myself when I was a child. I understand they may not be serving me now. I continue working to lessen their grip on me.
I understand I did the best I could before I knew better. I forgive myself for not taking the paths I now feel were lost opportunities. I wasn’t ready to travel those roads or be with those people. My life had a different trajectory, and it has given me a beautifull life.
I no longer look in the mirror and hate what I see 100% of the time. Sometimes, I can even admit that I am holding up pretty well after all these years.
I take time to acknowledge and celebrate my successes. I know how hard it has been for me to journey to this point. I am proud of myself for facing my demons and doing the work. I know that while others may not see these changes because they happened slowly over time, I still experienced a seismic shift in my perceptions of my life, myself, and my relationship to others and the world. I am proud of messy, complicated, determined, hard-working me and, as the F1 drivers say, “I will keep pushing.”
*This sentence is also attributable to Scott Tatum. Check him out on Instagram @ucanoutdoors or through his newly published book, Friendly Reminders: Lessons from a Self-Care Savage.
Depression is your body saying “I don’t want to be this character anymore. I don’t want to hold up this avatar you’ve created in a world that’s too much for me.” Deep rest. Deep rest. Your body needs to be depressed. It needs deep rest from the character that you’ve been trying to play. ~Jim Carrey
I have been on a journey for a number of years now, sorting through my past, coming to terms with the reality of it, and working to find a better way forward. Along the way, I’ve written about it here, in my not-so-private confessional. I’ve written about it enough that I got sick of hearing myself, and I figured anyone who reads this probably was getting sick of it too. So I took a break. I spent years in depression without being able to (or willing to) recognize it. Last December, I hit rock bottom. I acknowledged that I was, and had been, living in a high-functioning depression for years. I suppose it began sometime around summer 2018 when my youngest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. Today she received news that her 5-year MRI was clear. So I guess we’re both breathing a little easier now, slowly clawing our way to some greater sense of peace.
In late January, I began taking an antidepressant. I haven’t written as often about my mental health since then, partially to give everyone a break from my whinging and partially to focus on pulling myself up out of the hole I’d fallen into. The antidepressant has most certainly helped. It didn’t make everything instantly better, but I didn’t expect it to. It’s been like getting on an e-bike. I am capable of pedaling on my own, but having an assist makes climbing the hills much easier and faster.
Through the weekly EMDR and cognitive behavioral therapy sessions I’ve been doing for years, I’ve learned how to set boundaries. I’ve walked away from people and relationships that were stalling my forward progress. I’ve reduced my tendency to overthink. I’m becoming kinder to myself. And the compassion I’ve been giving to myself is creating more space for compassion for others. I’m also allowing others to sit with their disappointment about my choices (adults can do that, I’m told) rather than sacrificing my own mental well being to placate them. I am more level now, more present in the moment. None of this is meant to imply I’m fully out of my depression or no longer need my assist. I’m not there yet. I have, however, entered a new phase, one where I can accept my shortcomings and mistakes without letting the knowledge of their existence break me. It’s not easy, but it’s happening. I’ve found some room for rational thought in situations that would have sent me into a downward spiral in the past. I’ve reduced the number of quixotic battles I willingly take up. My duffle bag of fucks has become a change purse. I care less what other people think about my life because I understand they have no business having an opinion on something they know nothing about. I feel much lighter.
While my wistful heart wishes I could have arrived at this place decades ago, I’m happy to be here now. I’m grateful I was born with a penchant for self-improvement. I’m grateful for the challenges of my youth because they made me curious enough to seek another path and strong enough to fight my way here. My mind is still a construction zone with cones and signs marking potholes and uneven pavement. I know the work I continue will be not unlike the never-ending road construction in Denver. But now I appreciate that the road work, while frustrating and slow, means change is happening.
My struggles have been well documented here over the years. We could map my stops and starts, highs and lows, chart my progress and wonder at it together. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it is something for sure.
You have to stop apologizing for being who you are because someone may not like it. You were not created to water yourself down to fit the molds of other’s expectations. Nor were you born into this world to follow everyone else without making your own waves. The powerful thing about you is that no one else is like you or could ever be you. So stand out in that. Be everything that you are, and don’t you dare apologize for it. ~Kayil York
Our second full day in the Cinque Terre was earmarked for hiking. Our group was split on the routes. Because Julie and Alec were leaving for Rome the next day, they planned to hike from Monterosso back to Manarola. I had zero interest in a hike that long, so Steve and I opted for a hike to the town just to the north, Corniglia. The Blue Path, which requires a Cinque Terre hiking pass, is the easiest route to Corniglia. It’s a 1.5 mile hike with 428 feet of elevation gain. Sadly, that route has been closed for years due to a landslide. The alternate route to Corniglia takes you up the hill rather than around it, sending you through the town of Volastra, before descending into Corniglia. It’s classified as difficult because it’s twice as long and there is 1338 feet of elevation gain. Steve and I figured we were up to the challenge, being used to the rarefied air of Colorado and all. Our legs might fail us before our lungs.
To avoid the heat of the day, we began before nine without any espresso on board. We decided that espresso in Corniglia would be the reward for our efforts. The hike begins relatively flat. Then you reach the steps. These are the steps. Well, this is a small section of them anyway. They are not level. They are not all large. Good hiking shoes are a must. We wore new trail runners with plenty of grip. Still, I was fairly certain my legs would be sore the next day.
A sampling of the steps on the trail
The first part of this hike gets you up and above Manarola. As we climbed, I stopped to look behind us and capture a few photos. (Can’t reiterate enough that photo breaks are the key to resting while not appearing you needed a rest). The lower section of Manarola closest to the sea disappeared from view early on. I was able to pick out our rental and its balcony from this viewpoint.
Our rental in the upper part of ManarolaManarola fading behind usBreak from climbing
We reached a flat spot with the view I had been waiting to see, up the coast to Corniglia and beyond. Alas, we were not finished gaining elevation. Volastra was still uphill and out of view, so we kept on trucking.
At last we reached Volastra and glimpsed Nostra Signora della Salute (Our Lady of Health) church, which dates back to at least 1240 AD. Volastra is very small, two main streets, so you aren’t in it long before you are back on the path, which opens up and allows you to spy Corniglia as she looms larger.
Nostra Signora della SaluteNeither here nor thereCorniglia in our sights
From this point, the trail skirted the sides of the terraced hills, weaving its way between vineyards growing the grapes of the Cinque Terre’s famed wine, Sciacchetrá (sha-keh-TRA). A sign found among the vines beckoned: “The vines of the Sciacchetrá find you on the road to celebrations. Here the grapes are born for a wine for special occasions. Come and try it.” Sciacchetrá is a sweet, dessert wine, often enjoyed with biscotti that you dunk in the wine. It’s tasty and became my go-to dessert. Think of it as Italy’s cookies and milk, but drunk. Parts of the trail beyond Volastra found us walking near the edge of cliffs above the sea. The railings made it feel slightly less precarious, but only slightly. We kept our eye out for the marker, two stripes (white over red), that let us know we were still on the right path.
Italy inviting you to try their wineAre you kidding me? ‘Cinque Terre trail marker
We began our descent towards Corniglia, becoming more and more driven by our desire for our morning coffee. The trail took us through a small, forested area with lush vegetation before Corniglia grew increasingly larger in our field of view. We’d made it!
Ferns and mossGetting thereNearly there
Corniglia, the smallest of the Cinque Terre towns with approximately 150 residents, was beginning to see an influx of travelers who had arrived by train. We wove our way through them and found a small cafe serving avocado toasts and espresso. We took a few minutes to enjoy our caffeine, Steve with his cappuccino and me with my doppio espresso, before beginning our exploration of life in a small town. We traversed the quaint, narrow passageways and found it to be not so different from life at home. Traffic. Laundry. And the ubiquitous bubble tea establishment.
We had planned only to hike to Corniglia but, when we checked our messages, we learned the rest of the gang were nearly finished with their hike to Vernazza. So, we thought, “What the hell? Why not hike there? It’s all downhill from here.” We pointed ourselves toward the trailhead to Vernazza we had seen on our way in.
The hike to Vernazza was along the Blue Path, so we got to show our hiking pass to the guard before we headed out. We felt very official. This hike was was 2.1 miles and rated moderate. Aside from the rising temperatures as we pushed towards noon, the hike was indeed easier and we had picked the right direction from which to start. Because it was later in the day, there were many more people on this hike than on our previous one. Still, the views were good, and I was excited to step foot in our last of the five towns.
Looking southLooking northVernazza
We reached the heights of the town after descending what felt like hundreds of stairs. On our way to meet everyone, we passed a quaint restaurant with a patio overlooking the town and made a mental note of it. We found our people hanging out near the beach, where my sister, Julie, had made good on her promise to get into the sea. I wanted to wander around a bit and shop, but Vernazza was packed. It was, by far, the most crowded town we visited. We wandered down to the sea to get a photo of the town and then tried in vain to find a restaurant with an available table close to the water, but no luck. By this time, we were all famished from hiking, so we set off back up the hill to find the place Steve and I had passed on our way down. It was one of the happiest random choices we made on the trip. When we arrived, they had only recently opened for lunch, so we had our pick of seats. We chose bar top seating facing the sea and ordered Aperol Spritzes. While we were enjoying our well-deserved beverages, it began sprinkling. Fearing another deluge like the previous day, we asked if we could move further in, under the patio structure, to avoid having Julie get soaked again. That also turned out to be a good choice as the rain began to fall steadily as soon as we began ordering our meals. We’d taken the last tables under the shelter, so today it was someone else’s turn to get wet. Steve ordered the white lasagna and I ordered trofie al pesto, a local specialty I formed a deep and lasting relationship with. The plan had been to share the food between the two of us, but we each loved our own dishes so much we refused to share, although we did agree to one bite each.
It’s Aperol Spritz timeLovely Vernazza with the hordesI think he fell in love with his lasagna
Stuffed with pasta, the others decided they didn’t need to do any additional hiking that day and en masse we opted for the short train ride back to Manarola. We bought some additional groceries from the local store and trudged our way back uphill to our apartment where we planned to prepare dinner later and enjoy another sunset from the patio.
Tiny Italian marketPart of the steep street headed upMore damn stairs before rest
After dinner, Mother Nature gifted us a gorgeous sunset before we tucked ourselves into bed. We were exhausted. Just before I put my Apple watch in its charging space for the night, curiosity got the best of me and I checked my exercise stats for the day. No wonder Steve and I were wiped out. I hoped my legs would be up to hiking up and over the hill between Manarola and Riomaggiore in the morning.
Side note: The next day my brother-in-law sent me this photo of me hiking up toward Volastra the day before. I think it gives a good perspective as to our uphill stair climb.
Live Now and Zen 