“Behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is messing it up.” ~ Anonymous
Last week my sons spent an entire school day shadowing at a new school we’re applying to for next year, a school for children who have learning disabilities. This was the final step in our application process, and I was a bit apprehensive when I dropped them off. Seven hours can be an eternity when you’re the new kid. I wanted the day to go well for them and I hoped they would be on their best behavior. I held my breath. At the end of the day, the Director of Admissions sat down to talk with me. The first words out of her mouth were, “You have great boys.” After having observed them throughout the day, she told me they were courteous, well-behaved, hardworking, and sweet. The teachers they had spent the day with concurred. Our boys had left a favorable impression, and so I exhaled.
It was one of those rare moments when I felt some gratification for the hard work and energy I put into my current position as unpaid, stay-at-home parent. It was as close to earning a bonus or a raise as I will ever get. And, it felt good. I mean, it’s one thing to believe in your kids, but it’s something entirely different when another adult offers an unsolicited comment in praise of your children. For most of the rest of that afternoon, I was reasonably puffed up. It was turning out to be a great day until I screwed it all up by later flying off the handle about something trivial, all out of frustration and hunger (but mostly out of hunger). I hate it when after being over the moon I burn up during re-entry into reality.
Most days, I’m the mom in the quote, fairly certain I’m messing my kids up. On occasion I try to imagine which of my most egregious parental errors will earn them the most time on the psychologist’s couch. Will it be because I asked too much of them or because I didn’t always handle their concerns with appropriate sincerity? Maybe it will be because I embarrassed them in front of their friends or because they felt I was not a good listener? Sometimes I look around at other people with their honor student and star athlete progeny and wonder why I struggle so much with this parenting gig while others seem to breeze through it. I feel as if I am the only one agonizing over my choices and actions and praying that things will all work out despite my myriad foibles. I know that can’t possibly be reality, but it feels that way.
Despite what the books say, there’s only one way to parent: you do your best. You make mistakes. Hopefully you remember to ask for forgiveness. You move forward and try to do better on the next go around. You always wonder if you should have done something differently. Second guessing becomes the norm. It’s not the lack of sleep that makes parenting difficult but the lack of certainty. There’s no way to know if all your hard work will indeed pay off someday. As I have fumbled my way through parenthood, the only constant has been this nagging feeling that I could be doing a better job, that I know better than to act the way I act sometimes. When I get too wrapped up in my brain, in wondering what I should be doing or should have done, though, I take a step back and look at our sons. I see their intelligence, their gentleness, their compassion, and their strength. I see two great kids, and I know it will all be fine. For a brief moment, I quietly acknowledge that I am doing a good job. And then just as soon as my sense of inner peace arrives a door slams, I yell, and the balance of the universe is returned to normal.
Like, like, like.
I love that unsolicited compliment about your kid. I try to do it often. More often than not you hear the “bad” and it’s nice to hear the good. Only a crazy person would even suggest that you are doing anything but a superb job with J & L. They would clearly not have any idea of the things you do and have done to support them.
Thanks, Edie. Funny, though, how we as parents often see only the worst we do and not the daily positives we offer our children. Looking back on my own childhood, though, I know the positives my parents provided outweigh the deficits at least two to one.
I am seriously considering printing this one out and hanging it on my fridge! I need to read the last paragraph every once in a while to remind me that I really am doing my best!
Like you, I tend to beat myself up for no good reason when it comes to my kids. We need to buck up and trust ourselves, Colleen!
Thank you for writing this. I have been feeling a similar burden and am worried I am just mucking it up. You articulate it so well- I needed this.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I know we are not alone in our concerns. I’m sure that when it’s all said and done, though, we will have done a better job than we thought we did. 🙂
Hey I just wanted to let you know that I nominated you for the Very Inspirational Blogger Award. You can come check it out for the details 🙂
Thanks for the nice accolade! I appreciate it. 🙂
Reblogged this on The End Justifies the Journey and commented:
I really like how she writes her experiences and insights. I expect her to compile everything and create a novel about her Adventures and (Mis)Adventures as a Mom. I am reblogging this one article. ENJOY!!!
Like it a lot!!! I reblogged it: http://jgifederizo.wordpress.com/2013/03/22/1292/ (and I just found out now how to reblog, unlike last time, ha ha haaa!!!!!!)
Thanks so much for sharing something you liked. I appreciate it! 🙂