Depression is your body saying “I don’t want to be this character anymore. I don’t want to hold up this avatar you’ve created in a world that’s too much for me.” Deep rest. Deep rest. Your body needs to be depressed. It needs deep rest from the character that you’ve been trying to play. ~Jim Carrey

I have been on a journey for a number of years now, sorting through my past, coming to terms with the reality of it, and working to find a better way forward. Along the way, I’ve written about it here, in my not-so-private confessional. I’ve written about it enough that I got sick of hearing myself, and I figured anyone who reads this probably was getting sick of it too. So I took a break. I spent years in depression without being able to (or willing to) recognize it. Last December, I hit rock bottom. I acknowledged that I was, and had been, living in a high-functioning depression for years. I suppose it began sometime around summer 2018 when my youngest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. Today she received news that her 5-year MRI was clear. So I guess we’re both breathing a little easier now, slowly clawing our way to some greater sense of peace.

In late January, I began taking an antidepressant. I haven’t written as often about my mental health since then, partially to give everyone a break from my whinging and partially to focus on pulling myself up out of the hole I’d fallen into. The antidepressant has most certainly helped. It didn’t make everything instantly better, but I didn’t expect it to. It’s been like getting on an e-bike. I am capable of pedaling on my own, but having an assist makes climbing the hills much easier and faster.

Through the weekly EMDR and cognitive behavioral therapy sessions I’ve been doing for years, I’ve learned how to set boundaries. I’ve walked away from people and relationships that were stalling my forward progress. I’ve reduced my tendency to overthink. I’m becoming kinder to myself. And the compassion I’ve been giving to myself is creating more space for compassion for others. I’m also allowing others to sit with their disappointment about my choices (adults can do that, I’m told) rather than sacrificing my own mental well being to placate them. I am more level now, more present in the moment. None of this is meant to imply I’m fully out of my depression or no longer need my assist. I’m not there yet. I have, however, entered a new phase, one where I can accept my shortcomings and mistakes without letting the knowledge of their existence break me. It’s not easy, but it’s happening. I’ve found some room for rational thought in situations that would have sent me into a downward spiral in the past. I’ve reduced the number of quixotic battles I willingly take up. My duffle bag of fucks has become a change purse. I care less what other people think about my life because I understand they have no business having an opinion on something they know nothing about. I feel much lighter.

While my wistful heart wishes I could have arrived at this place decades ago, I’m happy to be here now. I’m grateful I was born with a penchant for self-improvement. I’m grateful for the challenges of my youth because they made me curious enough to seek another path and strong enough to fight my way here. My mind is still a construction zone with cones and signs marking potholes and uneven pavement. I know the work I continue will be not unlike the never-ending road construction in Denver. But now I appreciate that the road work, while frustrating and slow, means change is happening.

My struggles have been well documented here over the years. We could map my stops and starts, highs and lows, chart my progress and wonder at it together. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it is something for sure.

You have to stop apologizing for being who you are because someone may not like it. You were not created to water yourself down to fit the molds of other’s expectations. Nor were you born into this world to follow everyone else without making your own waves. The powerful thing about you is that no one else is like you or could ever be you. So stand out in that. Be everything that you are, and don’t you dare apologize for it. ~Kayil York