Tag: saying no

Wherever You Go, There You Are

“Life doesn’t have. a remote. You’re going to have to get off your butt and change it yourself.” ~Scott Tatum

Personal growth is an uphill endeavor

I came here today to say I am so damn proud of myself.

While I wholeheartedly accept there is still a fair distance I need to travel on my mental health journey to become the best me I can be, I am not thinking about that today. Today I am having one of those rare days when I feel truly comfortable in my skin. So, today I am going to do something I rarely, if ever, did before. Today I am not being self-effacing. Today I am calling it as it is. I’ve worked damn hard to move the needle as far as I have. It catches me off guard some days how my thoughts about myself and my actions based on those thoughts have shifted. So, where am I now?

  • I set boundaries. I no longer make excuses when I don’t want to do something. I believe I have the right to choose how I want to spend my time. I know if someone else is disappointed about my “no” answer, they will have to deal with their own emotions about it.
  • I am not afraid to ask for help. I know doing so does not equal weakness. I understand we all have a lot to learn.
  • I feel genuine remorse when I wrong someone rather than deflecting to protect my ego. I strive to offer honest, appropriate apologies when I fall short.
  • I understand my negative behaviors do not define who I am on the inside. I accept that humans screw up and I am human so, by the transitive property of equality, I screw up sometimes. I don’t allow my mistakes to mean more than my efforts to ameliorate them.
  • I say “yes” more often and embrace new, and occasionally scary or uncomfortable, situations. I’m not hiding from things or opportunities that require me to be a novice or an outsider at first. I recognize this is where growth happens, in the risk taking and discomfort.
  • I am not “shoulding” on myself as often. I am changing “should have” to “could have” and understanding the difference between the two.
  • I am no longer owning more than my fair share of the blame in a situation or relationship. I acknowledge that relationships are a two-way street, and I am not entirely responsible for carrying their weight alone or keeping them afloat. If someone isn’t attempting to meet me halfway, like ever, I let them go. You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.*
  • I no longer view myself as broken. I am a work in progress. I forgive myself for the amount of time it took me to reach this stage in my growth. It doesn’t matter how long it took me to get here, just that I got here.
  • I notice when I overreact to something and try to understand where that overreaction came from, and I don’t beat myself up about it. We all have our Achille’s heels. I am working to hit pause when I feel a trauma response building. I know these patterns arose out of a need to protect myself when I was a child. I understand they may not be serving me now. I continue working to lessen their grip on me.
  • I understand I did the best I could before I knew better. I forgive myself for not taking the paths I now feel were lost opportunities. I wasn’t ready to travel those roads or be with those people. My life had a different trajectory, and it has given me a beautifull life.
  • I no longer look in the mirror and hate what I see 100% of the time. Sometimes, I can even admit that I am holding up pretty well after all these years.
  • I take time to acknowledge and celebrate my successes. I know how hard it has been for me to journey to this point. I am proud of myself for facing my demons and doing the work. I know that while others may not see these changes because they happened slowly over time, I still experienced a seismic shift in my perceptions of my life, myself, and my relationship to others and the world. I am proud of messy, complicated, determined, hard-working me and, as the F1 drivers say, “I will keep pushing.”

*This sentence is also attributable to Scott Tatum. Check him out on Instagram @ucanoutdoors or through his newly published book, Friendly Reminders: Lessons from a Self-Care Savage.

Posted on by Me 2

The Power of No

Random crop circles in our yard...just for fun
Random crop circles in our yard…just for fun

Some people are born speaking the word “no.” It rolls off their toddler tongues before you can finish your sentence. These are the children who know what they want and plan to get it without negotiations. I was not that child. While I in no way possess a people-pleasing personality, I was raised to be accommodating when at all possible. When I go out of my way for others it’s not because I am deeply thoughtful but because I’ve been taught it’s the right thing to do. As a result of upbringing, I often add just one more item to my already long to-do list because someone asks nicely. Consequently, my life is a non-stop blur of frenetic activity. Whirling dervish? Guilty as charged.

Last night I sat down and took a sobering look at our family calendar for the next 9 days. On March 20th at an unreasonably early hour we will be boarding a plane…destination Kauai. Between now and that moment when we’re checked in at the gate awaiting our boarding call, I have about a gazillion things to do. Yes. It is a first world problem, but it’s my first world problem and so it matters to me just the same. As I went over the calendar and my to-do list on my iPhone last night, hubby caught me shaking my head.

“What’s wrong?” he inquired.

“So much to do between now and the 20th.”

“It will all be fine,” he reassured.

“Oh…I know it will.” I don’t doubt my ability to accomplish things, just my excitement about doing them.

“Aren’t you excited about the trip?” he asked.

“Not really, no. I will be excited when we’re sitting at the gate and not a minute before. I’m still trying to figure out how I’m going to fit in a well check for Joe and a trip to the vet for Ruby. The next week is packed.”

“You always stress and it always gets done,” he said.

“It always gets done because I always stress and push myself through every last detail,” I retorted.

Today, staring down the barrel of an ungodly busy weekend, I started packing for the boys and I. I dug through last summer’s clothes, which have been stored for their long, Colorado winter’s nap, and put together Hawaii-friendly outfits. I located sunscreen, snorkeling gear, and rash guards. I dragged suitcases up from the basement and began assessing what might fit where. Then, in the midst of this busy-ness, I got an email that added another layer to my stress. It was a request for yet another social visit in our already overbooked weekend. Between hair cuts for all of us, two birthday parties, a social event at the boys’ school, brunch at my mom’s, dinner with our Wine Gang (which we are hosting), and a couple book reports the boys need to have completed before we leave (not to mention packing and preparing our house for the puppy caretaker), I cringed at the idea of attempting to fit in even one more quick thing.

Being unaccustomed to disappointing people, though, I scoured our plans looking for wiggle room for the requested, short get together either Saturday or Sunday afternoon. I weighed the costs of not honoring this request against the stress it would add to an already overbooked weekend. Then, I did something I rarely do. I went against my usual habit. I said no even though it’s very likely that the persons whom I turned down will be hurt by my refusal. But even those of us who strive to be amicable and accommodating have a breaking point.

If there’s one good thing that is coming right along with the sags, bags, spots, and wrinkles of middle age, it’s gumption. I’m no longer under the impression that I have to do things to please people. I understand that there are some people who will never be pleased, no matter what kind of back bend I contort myself into for their benefit.  I’m learning that sometimes it’s not just okay to say no. It’s downright necessary. While I do feel a bit bad for shutting out this latest request, I know it was the right thing to do. This weekend will still be crazy busy, but at least it might prove I’m not insane.

Posted on by Me 7