Tag: bon iver

Feminism, Friendship Bracelets, and Fearlessness

I have a confession. I saw the Taylor Swift Eras Tour film Friday night. And then I went back yesterday to see it again on a bigger screen. Ten years ago, if you had asked me to see or listen to anything having to do with Taylor Swift, I probably would have asked how much you were willing to pay me for it. But, if you’re doing life right, you need to be open to reassessing your previous beliefs and opinions. Or at least that is what I have been telling myself regarding my recent about face on Ms. Swift and her music.

My antipathy towards Taylor Swift began early in her career, around 2009, when she was a 20 year old pop country upstart and I was a 41 year old stay-at-home mom. I heard her hit “You Belong with Me” and realized I was well beyond the point in my life when I had the time or energy to relate to songs about teenage-relationship drama. My sons didn’t help change my mind about her, as they referred to her mockingly as Tay Tay Swifters. All the tabloid drama surrounding her dating life got old quickly, and I summarily dismissed her as not worth my time and went back to listening to my indie bands. Fast forward 10 years of emotional growth for both of us, in the summer of 2019 I stumbled upon her music video for “You Need to Calm Down” and had to admit I genuinely loved it. My respect for her, however, made a seismic shift with her pandemic albums, Folklore and Evermore, which were littered with influence by the indie music world I loved. Finally. We were running in the same circles, and her popularity began to make sense to me. Her penchant for storytelling in her music, her heartfelt, almost confessional-like lyrics, and the often dramatic melancholia in her songs reminded me of some of my favorite bands, The Smiths and The National, in particular. When I hit the depression I wasn’t aware I was in, her songs became regulars in my playlist rotation. Just when I had reached my lowest point and was existing in a constant state of numbness, her music made me feel again. I was able to wallow in and process my sadness and then find a way to climb out of it. It was catharsis.

“Hung my head as I lost the war and the sky turned black like a perfect storm. Rain came pouring down when I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe. And, by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean.”

“‘Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned, everything you lose is a step you take. So make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it, you’ve got no reason to be afraid. You’re on your own kid. Yeah, you can face this.”

“It’s like I got this music in my mind, saying it’s gonna be all right.”

Maybe it’s the fourteen years of life and growth I’ve experienced since I first heard “You Belong with Me” or maybe it’s that sitting in the theater watching her on the screen, owning the stage in sold out SoFi Stadium like a boss, but I get it now. Taylor Swift is extraordinary because she has navigated a successful career in the music industry while growing up under a global magnifying glass. She’s lived half her life under constant judgment, speculation, and ridicule, but she took everything the world threw at her and somehow turned it to her advantage. Despite her fame and wealth, she still manages to seem human and relatable, referring to herself on stage as a 30 year old who sits at home covered in cat hair watching 700 hours of television. She’s a marketing genius with a creative mind and relentless devotion to her fan base and, as a result, everything about the Eras Tour has been monumental. The run on tickets, the sold out stadium shows, the extravagant stage production, the ubiquitous friendship bracelets, the three and half hours she played each night on tour, the donations to food banks in every city to which she traveled, and now the Eras Tour film (a gift to the fans who weren’t able to see her show live), these all highlight the magnificence and power of a woman seizing upon her childhood dream. As I sat in the theater yesterday, watching young girls alternately dance and stand together beneath the screen while Taylor looked as if she was singing directly to them, I saw a future filled with young women who understand they too are a limitless forces with the agency to never settle for less than what they believe they are capable of. That is priceless.

Say what you want about her as I did. Dislike her music if it doesn’t suit you. Joke about her dating life or the way her appearance in a box at Arrowhead Stadium drove up NFL viewership, but don’t do what I did. Don’t ever dismiss Taylor Swift as another pop princess. The Eras Tour film grossed over 95M this weekend. Taylor Swift may be a lot of things, including a cup of tea you would purposely knock over, but seventeen years, 12 grammys, and a reported 740M later, she is consequential. By all appearances, she has no intention of going anywhere, except up. And I’m definitely here for it, head first and fearless.

“Ask me what I learned from all those years
Ask me what I earned from all those tears
Ask me why so many fade, but I’m still here“

~”Karma” by Taylor Swift

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From Darkness To Light, or Here Comes The Sun

I love listening to music. I like it so much that it is difficult for me to listen to books or podcasts because there is no time for them. When I am in my car driving to one of my gazillion errands or wearing headphones while doing work around the house, music is what keeps me going. It transports me. And I need to be transported out of my busy, monkey mind most days.

For most of my life, I have liked music other people consider dark. Maybe even too dark. I like depressing lyrics, songs about heartbreak, music that makes me feel part of a bigger whole. When a friend told me that she loved “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves, I mentally rolled my eyes. I just can’t get behind that. I never really thought much about my proclivity towards dark, brooding bands with melancholy and depressive lyrics until other people pointed it out as something odd. It didn’t feel odd to me. It simply was what I liked. Recently, though, I realized sad songs are what I relate to. They make sense to me. I can inhabit them because they seem to reflect my experiences. Happy songs? Well, I just haven’t lived from that walking-on-sunshine place yet. But play me a song about a broken relationship, a girlfriend in a coma, or some serious self-loathing, and I can meet you there.

Here are some miserable (but great) song lyrics that have resonated with me, so you can see what I mean:

“I never thought about love when I thought about home.” ~The National, “Bloodbuzz Ohio“

“I know I’m unloveable, you don’t have to tell me…I wear black on the outside ’cause black is how I feel on the inside.” ~The Smiths, “Unloveable“

“And at once I knew, I was not magnificent.” Bon Iver, “Holocene“

“Going out of my mind, never getting what I wanted, getting what I needed, I left myself behind.” CHVRCHES, “Get Out”

“Take a good look at my face, you’ll see my smile looks out of place, if you look closer it’s easy to trace the tracks of my tears.” Smokey Robinson & The Miracles, “The Tracks of My Tears”

“Start asking for forgiveness in advance, for all the future thing I will destroy. That way I can ruin everything.” Julien Baker, “Hardline”

“The best of us can find happiness in misery.” Fall Out Boy, “I Don’t Care”

Depressing, right? There are a lot of songs about misery and pain. They are easy to find. When I first started getting into music in middle school, I gravitated towards gloomy songs because it was easier to sing along with something that resonated with me than something that felt shallow to me. I know dark doesn’t directly translate to deep or anything, but with dark you are in the ballpark. Or, at least, that is what I would tell myself; the mournful songs mean I’ve lived sadness and delved into the depths of human misery. That’s kind of deep, right?

Over the past few years, I have noticed I’ve begun to find some positive, happy songs that suck the depression right out of me. I think this is a good sign. I suspect it means I am growing, and my outlook is changing. I’m not sure I will ever walk away from my depressing songs because they are part of me still but, if I can get to a place where happy songs reflect my inner life as much as gloomy ones, I’m on the right path.

And, to end on a positive note because I am heading in a positive direction, enjoy some of these lyrics from a song that inspires me in all the best ways:

“I used to lay low, hiding in the shadows, so don’t give me dark days, I already had those. I’m just trying to figure out how to be myself right now. I don’t wanna lay low, hiding in the shadows. So I wake up, I get out of bed. Stay up, stay out of my head ’cause it’s dangerous and I don’t wanna lose my mind, no. I just wanna shine like the sun when it comes up, run the city from the rooftops ’cause today’s gonna be my day. I just wanna climb to the top of a mountain, standing tall when I’m howlin’ ’cause today’s gonna be my day.” Fitz and the Tantrums, “I Just Wanna Shine”

Suck on that, misery!

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